Chicago Cubs - jokes, puns, riddles, funny stories, etc.

A Cardinal fan emailed me this joke today...

What does a bear on the pill and the World series have in common?

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No Cubs.

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Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

The cubs.com forum has a thread where fans are sharing Cubs / Bears / White Sox related jokes.

Here is a sample:

A little boy is walking down the street onoe day and finds a genie jar. He opens it and out comes a genie.

Here is the conversation:

G: I'll give you three wishes.

B: I wish for an XBOX 360, and a PSP and....peace in the middle east.

G: Where is the middle east little boy?

The boy pull out a map and shows him where the middle east is.

G: Uhm, I dont think I can do that little boy. Do you have another wish?

B: Well, could you make the Cubs win the World Series?

The genie pauses and then says:

G: Lemme see that map of the middle east again.

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Three fans are in a desert: a bears fan, vikings fan, and a packers fan. They get captured by these people and get taken to their leader.

The leader says, "You were caught trespassing on my desert. I will now have my men whip you."

His wife feels bad and suggests that he grants them one wish each before the whipping.

The leader says, "Very well. You get one wish each."

The Vikings fan says,"I would like a pillow strapped on my back."

The Packers fan say,"I would like two pillows strapped on my back."

The leader looks to the Bears fan and asks, "And what do you wish?"

The Bears fan replys, "Strap the Packers fan on my back."

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" .....The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter ..... " (attributed to a local D.J.)

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" .....One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth......"--Joe Garagiola

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".....There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help......"--Bill Buckner

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A White Sox fan, a boy scout and a priest are all on airplane. The pilot comes on and says he`s got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash. The good news is that we have three parachutes but that leaves one person without a parachute.

The pilot grabs one saying "I have to explain what went wrong" and jumps.

The White Sox fan grabs one and say we may win this year and jumps.

The priest looks to the boy scout and says "you take the last one".

The boy replies "We can each have one. That White Sox fan stole my backpack."

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Here's one from a less enjoyable Bears year...

Q: Where in Chicago is the safest place during a tornado?
A: Soldier Field because you rarely see a touchdown there.

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More Cubs jokes here:
http://www.ahajokes.com/chicago_jokes.html

Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

The story goes...

It was my first day on the job...and it was employee day at Wrigley.
The usually thrifty owner of my new company was springing for a mezzanine suite at Wrigley Field and I'd get to enjoy the game on my first day on the job. Imagine that!

The owner's 10 year old grandson was also there. He just learned about recycling and was encouraging everyone to re-use and recycle.

The boy was munching on some sort of chocolate nuts during the game.

I was sitting next to the boy's father (my new boss).

The boy gave his dad a bag of nuts and said "Here, I'm done with these."

So my new boss, focused more on the game than the food, started eating the nuts and offered me some. Now short of a nut allergy, I wasn't going to refuse, plus my new co-workers had already scarfed all the pre-paid food in the suite, so we were on our own for munchies, and I too, didn't want to miss a moment of the game.

Those nuts were oddly moist and had a slight taste of chocolate to them.

During a change of pitchers, my boss asked his son "what did you do to these nuts?"

The boy replied "I only like the chocolate on them. You can have the nuts."

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Rewritten from a joke published in Wise Cracks and Funny Bones: Fun With the Chiropractor

Cubs fans wishlist

Cubs fans TV listings

Ryne Sandberg Day

Cubs 12, Cardinals 3, September 10, 2007 Photos

Jay Leno has included a Cubs joke (or two) in each show recently.

Last night the opening photo for the headlines segment was Cubs related and he also told this joke...

The headline had something to do with the Cubs denying that the movie "Choke" had anything to do with their team.

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During the monologue, Leno, noticing that the Cubs/Dodgers playoff game was airing at the same time as the Vice-Presidential debate...

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I hear that Leno did invite Ron Santo to be a guest on the Tonight Show, but Santo's schedule didn't have time for it during the playoffs.

I'd like to see Ron Santo visit with Leno on the Tonight Show. Hope it happens.

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Update: Last night's monologue had Leno suggesting that next year just the Cubs should be allowed to use steroids. (Because of the 100 year thing.)

Regis and Kelly were chatting about the Cubs too yesterday.

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics, Redesigned Cubs t-shirts

Cubs fans TV listings

Bill Murray at Letterman show

From Youtube...

Go about 6:20 into the interview to hear him talk about the Cubs.

David Letterman, HQ, Bill Murray Pt. 2/2, 10/09/08
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tbkb_7OvfYo

Here's the beginning of the interview, in case you're interested.
The bit about his skydiving this summer was an interesting story.

David Letterman, HQ, Bill Murray Pt. 1/2, 10/09/08
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crNhD4zfJqI

Bill mentions that the Cubs had more wins this year than the Yankees...or the Mets and just about every other team in baseball.

He also shares a story about an foreign boy who moves to the US and becomes a Cubs fan. I'm looking for a transcript of that story, but haven't found it yet. "Being a Cubs fan shows you how to live your life..."

http://lateshow.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/wahoo/index/php/20081009.phtml

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

Cubs fans TV listings

Sox fans celebrate Cubs futility with costumes, goat

Read entire article at:
http://www.sj-r.com/news_columnists/x1720659586/Bakke-Sox-fans-celebrate-Cubs-futility-with-costumes-goat

Photos from the White Sox ceremony part 1

Photos from the White Sox ceremony part 2

Also see:
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Cubs, Sox

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Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

Cubs fans TV listings

A friend sent me this email that's been making the rounds...
(Part one)

Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:

1. Radio was invented Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lost to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley's comet passed Earth - twice.

6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and ALL Chicago teams won championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. Presidents were elected.

10. There were 11amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving
Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants.
Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.