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Chicago Cubs - jokes, puns, riddles, funny stories, etc.

October 9, 2006 by diana

2006 was not a kind year for the Chicago Cubs and their fans.

Hopefully we can still appreciate a joke or two about our favorite team's lack of winning this past year.

Most of my friends that I see regularly these days are (gasp!) Cardinal fans.

And they're more than happy to share their humor with me.

For instance...

Q. Do you know what the Cubs and Cardinals have in common?

A. Neither has won a World Series in their "new" stadium.

Of course, the reply to that is...

The Cardinals might want to hire better architects, their stadiums only seem to last 40 years or so.

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You know, they say the 2006 Cubs were not a winning team, but they won a game every week, just like the Chicago Bears!

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Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

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...We're basically rooting for laundry

October 10, 2006 by diana, 2 years 38 weeks ago
Comment id: 1640

Quote of the day...

"The way players move around, team to team to team, we're basically rooting for laundry."

Quote from the column


"Cards column creates a stir"


By PAUL POVSE


Published Tuesday, October 10, 2006

http://www.sj-r.com


Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

What does a bear on the pill & the World series have in common?

October 20, 2006 by diana, 2 years 36 weeks ago
Comment id: 1662

A Cardinal fan emailed me this joke today...

What does a bear on the pill and the World series have in common?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

No Cubs.

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Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

Yet another Cubs joke...

October 20, 2006 by diana, 2 years 36 weeks ago
Comment id: 1664

A man was at Wrigley Field watching a Cubs game, when he called a security officer over and said, 'Those people are bothering me.' The security officer looked around him at all the well-behaved spectators and said 'Who, sir?' Wearily, the man pointed out to the Cubs players on the field and said 'Them'.

From a Cubs related entry in the online version of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy...

There are a couple more there, but I didn't think those were funny at all.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A145441

Here's another entry or two to look at:

20 THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE CHICAGO CUBS LAST WON THE WORLD SERIES
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/...

The Farmer in Hell
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/...

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Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

Oldie but goodie?

October 20, 2006 by elgin native, 2 years 36 weeks ago
Comment id: 1668

Remember the one about the '69 collapse? The Cubs were rumored to be moving to the Philipines and were going to become the Manila Folders. :-)

The Cubs and Doctor Who

November 20, 2006 by diana, 2 years 32 weeks ago
Comment id: 1764

Does anyone here watch Doctor Who ?


In this series the "Doctor" travels in a time/space vehicle called the Tardis. However, the Tardis is malfunctioning and never takes the Doctor and his companions to where it was programmed to materialize.

Is anyone else looking forward to the episode where the Doctor wants to take Rose to the game where the Cubs win the World series....however, it takes them to the 1945 World Series instead, because the Tardis doesn't have the kind of traveling range it would need to travel to the point in time that it was requested to go to.

Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

Where's Denzel when you need him?

November 27, 2006 by FearlessBear, 2 years 31 weeks ago
Comment id: 1770

Actually, what the Cubs need is Denzel Washington (ala his new movie "Deja Vu") to go back to the Bartman incident and keep Bartman in his seat. Then it would be interesting to see a) does Alou make the catch?, b) do the ensuing fielding errors ensue?, c) If the Cubs make it to the Series, do they win? d) If they win, do we still have Dusty to kick around?

Happy Holidays!

Respectfully,
FEARLESS BEAR

As long as you have that Time Travel machine...

November 28, 2006 by diana, 2 years 31 weeks ago
Comment id: 1773

As long as you have that Time Travel machine, you may as well go back and tweak that Leon Durham moment that we all find so painful. And I'm sure there's something that could be done for the Cubs in 1969.

You know, there's probably a little tweak that would probably change things around for the 2004 Cubs too. They had a better w/l record than in 2003, but just missed the playoffs. That move would probably involve helping the Cards win though.

And while you're at it, can you send the Tardis to that Red Sox World Series game and help out ex-Cub Bill Buckner?

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Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

more Chicago Cubs - jokes, puns, riddles, funny stories, etc.

December 5, 2006 by diana, 2 years 30 weeks ago
Comment id: 1857

The cubs.com forum has a thread where fans are sharing Cubs / Bears / White Sox related jokes.

Here is a sample:

A little boy is walking down the street onoe day and finds a genie jar. He opens it and out comes a genie.

Here is the conversation:

G: I'll give you three wishes.

B: I wish for an XBOX 360, and a PSP and....peace in the middle east.

G: Where is the middle east little boy?

The boy pull out a map and shows him where the middle east is.

G: Uhm, I dont think I can do that little boy. Do you have another wish?

B: Well, could you make the Cubs win the World Series?

The genie pauses and then says:

G: Lemme see that map of the middle east again.

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Three fans are in a desert: a bears fan, vikings fan, and a packers fan. They get captured by these people and get taken to their leader.

The leader says, "You were caught trespassing on my desert. I will now have my men whip you."

His wife feels bad and suggests that he grants them one wish each before the whipping.

The leader says, "Very well. You get one wish each."

The Vikings fan says,"I would like a pillow strapped on my back."

The Packers fan say,"I would like two pillows strapped on my back."

The leader looks to the Bears fan and asks, "And what do you wish?"

The Bears fan replys, "Strap the Packers fan on my back."

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" .....The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter ..... " (attributed to a local D.J.)

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" .....One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth......"--Joe Garagiola

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".....There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help......"--Bill Buckner

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A White Sox fan, a boy scout and a priest are all on airplane. The pilot comes on and says he`s got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash. The good news is that we have three parachutes but that leaves one person without a parachute.

The pilot grabs one saying "I have to explain what went wrong" and jumps.

The White Sox fan grabs one and say we may win this year and jumps.

The priest looks to the boy scout and says "you take the last one".

The boy replies "We can each have one. That White Sox fan stole my backpack."

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Here's one from a less enjoyable Bears year...

Q: Where in Chicago is the safest place during a tornado?
A: Soldier Field because you rarely see a touchdown there.

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More Cubs jokes here:
http://www.ahajokes.com/chicago_jokes.html

Photos from Ryne Sandberg Day at Wrigley Field

What does C.U.B.S. stand for ?

February 21, 2007 by diana, 2 years 19 weeks ago
Comment id: 2400

Could someone come up with better answers for this question?

What does C.U.B.S. stand for?

Completely


Useless


By


September



Or


Can't


Utilize


Baseball


Strategy



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Here is a photo of a fish tank decoration at my vet's.



One thing to note is the absence of those Cardinal fan fishies.

Photos from Ryne Sandberg's Chicago Cubs jersey number retirement ceremony at Wrigley Field

CUBS Can Only Improve

February 22, 2007 by FearlessBear, 2 years 18 weeks ago
Comment id: 2402

Chicago's Underachieving Baseball Saps

could turn into our

Conquering Unbelievable Baseball Stars.

This year is the year!! (heh heh)

Cubbies in Heaven in 2007!!

Respectfully,
FEARLESS BEAR

Another Cubs joke (requires a prop)

April 3, 2007 by diana, 2 years 13 weeks ago
Comment id: 2457


I was chatting with a Cardinal fan friend of mine yesterday at the Chiropractor's office and the Doc's wife shared this joke with us.

She first needed the prop. She knew a lady nearby was a smoker and asked her for the plastic wrapper from a cigarette pack.

Next she gingerly set the wrapper openside down on the counter and asked "do you know what this is?"

"It is the Cub's trophy case".

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Photos from Ryne Sandberg's Chicago Cubs jersey number retirement ceremony at Wrigley Field

Another Cubs joke

September 18, 2007 by diana, 1 year 41 weeks ago
Comment id: 2815

The story goes...

It was my first day on the job...and it was employee day at Wrigley.
The usually thrifty owner of my new company was springing for a mezzanine suite at Wrigley Field and I'd get to enjoy the game on my first day on the job. Imagine that!

The owner's 10 year old grandson was also there. He just learned about recycling and was encouraging everyone to re-use and recycle.

The boy was munching on some sort of chocolate nuts during the game.

I was sitting next to the boy's father (my new boss).

The boy gave his dad a bag of nuts and said "Here, I'm done with these."

So my new boss, focused more on the game than the food, started eating the nuts and offered me some. Now short of a nut allergy, I wasn't going to refuse, plus my new co-workers had already scarfed all the pre-paid food in the suite, so we were on our own for munchies, and I too, didn't want to miss a moment of the game.

Those nuts were oddly moist and had a slight taste of chocolate to them.

During a change of pitchers, my boss asked his son "what did you do to these nuts?"

The boy replied "I only like the chocolate on them. You can have the nuts."

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Rewritten from a joke published in Wise Cracks and Funny Bones: Fun With the Chiropractor

Cubs fans wishlist

Cubs fans TV listings

Ryne Sandberg Day

Cubs 12, Cardinals 3, September 10, 2007 Photos

ESPN : Cubs 100 year itch

June 24, 2008 by diana, 1 year 1 week ago
Comment id: 3180

During the ESPN telecast of the Cubs/Sox Sunday night game the announcer mentioned the Cub's 100 year World Series drought by calling it a "100 year itch".

My husband heard it and asked "Isn't there a spray for that?"

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

Cubs jokes on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno

October 7, 2008 by diana, 38 weeks 3 days ago
Comment id: 3264

Jay Leno has included a Cubs joke (or two) in each show recently.

Last night the opening photo for the headlines segment was Cubs related and he also told this joke...

The headline had something to do with the Cubs denying that the movie "Choke" had anything to do with their team.

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During the monologue, Leno, noticing that the Cubs/Dodgers playoff game was airing at the same time as the Vice-Presidential debate...

Quote:
...How many of you watched the Vice-Presidential debate in hopes of Governor Palin flubbing?

...Hope many How many of you watched the Vice-Presidential debate in hopes of Sen. Joe Biden flubbing ?

...How many of you knew the Chicago Cubs would flub up?

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I hear that Leno did invite Ron Santo to be a guest on the Tonight Show, but Santo's schedule didn't have time for it during the playoffs.

I'd like to see Ron Santo visit with Leno on the Tonight Show. Hope it happens.

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Update: Last night's monologue had Leno suggesting that next year just the Cubs should be allowed to use steroids. (Because of the 100 year thing.)

Regis and Kelly were chatting about the Cubs too yesterday.

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics, Redesigned Cubs t-shirts

Cubs fans TV listings

Bill Murray SNL Cubs skit

October 10, 2008 by diana, 38 weeks 8 hours ago
Comment id: 3268

'SNL's' Thursday special offers little hope to Cubs fans

By Maureen Ryan October 9, 2008

Video of the skit here.
FF to about 3:30 remaining to find the Bill Murray / Cub segment.

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-thursday-debate-open/742065/

Quote:
There was no Tina Fey or Gov. Sarah Palin, but “Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday” did feature a most reliable butt of jokes, the Cubs.

Bill Murray, who appeared as himself in a sketch lampooning the town-hall presidential debate last Tuesday, asked Sen. John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Sen. Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) what they would do to ensure that the Cubs would never lose in the playoffs again.

"Last week, in the National League divisional playoffs, the Chicago Cubs faced the Los Angeles Dodgers. In Game 1, the Cubs lost 7-3. In Game 2, they lost 10-3 and in Game 3, 3-1. What, as president, would you do to guarantee that this never happens again? Senators, in your answers, please be specific,” Murray asked.

“That's a fair question, William, but let's face it, the Cubs may very well be in the playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again, and they will keep right on losing year after year after year, because that is waht the Cubs do. We as a nation have got to wean Cubs fans away from supporting that team and train them to root for other teams – teams that will actually have a chance at winning,” Armisen-as-Obama said.

"Senator McCain?" moderator Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) asked.

“Here I have to agree with my opponent,” Hammond-as-McCain said. “Let me give you some straight talk, my friends: The Cubs will never win the pennant, much less the World Series! Junior over there, he won’t tell you that. I just did.”


http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/entertainment_tv/2008/10/cubs-murray-snl.html

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

Cubs fans TV listings

Bill Murray at Letterman show

October 10, 2008 by diana, 38 weeks 7 hours ago
Comment id: 3269


Bill Murray at Letterman show

From Youtube...

Go about 6:20 into the interview to hear him talk about the Cubs.

David Letterman, HQ, Bill Murray Pt. 2/2, 10/09/08
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tbkb_7OvfYo

Here's the beginning of the interview, in case you're interested.
The bit about his skydiving this summer was an interesting story.

David Letterman, HQ, Bill Murray Pt. 1/2, 10/09/08
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crNhD4zfJqI

Bill mentions that the Cubs had more wins this year than the Yankees...or the Mets and just about every other team in baseball.

He also shares a story about an foreign boy who moves to the US and becomes a Cubs fan. I'm looking for a transcript of that story, but haven't found it yet. "Being a Cubs fan shows you how to live your life..."

http://lateshow.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/wahoo/index/php/20081009.phtml

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

Cubs fans TV listings

Cubs and White Sox players tell jokes on video

October 10, 2008 by diana, 38 weeks 7 hours ago
Comment id: 3270


Jokes of the day: Cubs vs. Sox - Days 1- 5

Cubs and White Sox players share jokes on video.

From June 20, 2008

http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/headcandy/cubssox_jokes/index.html

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

Cubs fans TV listings

White Sox fans anti-Cub party

November 19, 2008 by diana, 32 weeks 2 days ago
Comment id: 3278

Sox fans celebrate Cubs futility with costumes, goat

Quote:
Bruce, and other Chicago White Sox fans in Springfield, saw the passing of 100 years with no World Series title for the Cubs as occasion for partying, not pitying.

Saturday night at Bruce’s home in Springfield he flew an “L” flag, a poke in the eye for Cubs fans who fly a “W” flag after each Cubs win. That was just the beginning, but it was all in good-natured fun.

Read entire article at:
http://www.sj-r.com/news_columnists/x1720659586/Bakke-Sox-fans-celebrate-Cubs-futility-with-costumes-goat

Photos from the White Sox ceremony part 1

Photos from the White Sox ceremony part 2

Also see:
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Cubs, Sox

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Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

Cubs fans TV listings

Get Fuzzy - Cubs related comic strip today

January 16, 2009 by diana, 24 weeks 2 hours ago
Comment id: 3297


Get Fuzzy

Cubs related comic strip today 1/16/09

http://www.comiczone.com/get_fuzzy/2009-01-16/

Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals photos, Ryne Sandberg Day pics

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